My mental health story

Today I feel I'm able to talk about my little brain, the way it effects my every day and how it impacted my life. If this is the first time you hear about some things, I'm not sorry.

I've always been loud, in your face and a complete drama queen. I never let my fat thighs get in the way to podium dancing and I always had a smile on my face. I used to cackle with my laugh and everyone knew me.

I loved my life, I got into uni after protesting I wasn't going to go. Then it started, my head decided to hate me. I was in a flat with awful people, people who made me feel so uncomfortable I refused to enter the kitchen. It got that bad I bought a portable hob so I could make noodles in my room. Everything spiralised out of control and I was unable to cope or to ask for help.

Fast forward to May and within 3 weeks I moved back home, broke up with my boyfriend, bought a car and it blew up, costing me thousands. I had nothing, I felt like everything was going wrong. If it wasn't for the friends I made that summer, my cousin and everyone else; I don't even want to think.

Then I got into uni again, after quitting Bolton uni, my Mam made me phone clearing and somehow, I got a place. It was a course I loved and I was so happy. So I moved to Preston. I loved it, I loved my flatmates, my crazy friends, adventures and getting lost. I loved confusing them with my Cumbrian accent and there was nothing more I loved than blasting donk and seeing their faces.

Then, on the 17th of November 2017, my world came crashing down. I went from dancing on stages and shaking my bum to refusing to eat, refusing to sleep, shower, talk or move from my bed.

I wanted to die. I used to cry, looking at the ceiling, just wanted to go away. People had to constantly be around me, I couldn't be left alone. I was classed as such a high risk to myself I had the crisis team phone me constantly. I can remember my Gran phoning me and before she hung up, she said: "please don't do anything stupid Anna". I wanted to, I knew how I wanted to but I didn't have the energy. Pretty ironic really, I didn't have the energy to die.

I tried for so long to be strong, to be a typical Fleming and push all my problems aside. Side note: it didn't help. It didn't solve anything, it just made the anger inside grow stronger.

From January to April, I can't remember anything. That's a scary thought, not being able to remember that much of your life. the last thing I remember in the blurry bubble was sitting in a hospital bed, with my Mam stroking my hair. I'd let myself go, I was sat in PJs I hadn't changed for over a week, there was makeup on my face from god knows when. something clicked that day, I realised I couldn't be a victim anymore, I had to accept the situation and get help.

And it was hard, it was the hardest months of my life, right up until now. With various appointments, hospital visits, sitting in rooms to protect myself from myself. Being asked invasive questions and so, so many tablets which make my brain all fussy.

Right up until about 2 weeks ago, I was better. I thought I was on the right track. I seen myself starting to slip. I slept more, ate less and didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want to go out, see friends and just like that; my depression was back.

I won't lie, I'm so annoyed at myself, I'm so annoyed at the fact after a year that I'm still on tablets. That my brain can't function without taking these stupid fucking tablets every day. That I lay awake at night, overthinking, convincing myself that I'm worthless.

I know I shouldn't be though, I know I should be proud of how far I've come, accept that this is a bump in the road and that my life isn't shit. I have everything and everyone I need, just sometimes depression can hide that.

I may be depressed and I don't know how long this will last for, but I can promise everyone, i'll never be that broken girl in the hospital bed, ever again.

Reach out, get help, talk to someone; anyone. we've lost far too many people over the past few months to suicide and mental health.

If you want to follow my story and see my progress, and how the power of makeup has helped me, follow my facebook page here.