Where I'm at body wise- 2017 UPDATE

A big portion of this blog is about my body, my weight and my body confidence. Both the happy parts and the bad bits. I promised you all I would never sugar coat anything for you because I want people to see the real Anna.

The first update is that I'm still fat, I'm still over weight but I can still fit into Topshop jeans so it means that I haven't put on any weight since last year. I still have dreams about being a size 8, having cheek bones and just showing off some bones in general. Then I see a cake and think "Na, lets have cake". It's a very confusing circle.

I'll insert a picture below to show you a current body image of me. Coming to uni has certainly changed the way I see myself and it's helped in a massively good way. In Workington I'd never dream of going round town with a skirt on or a crop top, or even how I normally dress at uni and on nights out in Bolton. when I'm back home I feel like uni has spoilt nights out now because I feel so restricted and vulnerable to peoples comments. I don't know what it is about uni but I've went out on nights out dressed in some funky outfits and all I've gotten is compliments and "Anna can I borrow your jacket". I can remember I once (once is better than none!) went to town, on freshers with no make up on apart from some lipstick and glitter on my cheeks. I didn't get ugly stares, no one died at the sight of me and I didn't have to think about touching up my make up in the toilets.

I'd still love to loose a little bit of weight, but I know there's no rush over things and after I've settled down and found one of my lovely, sporty friends to help me, I will start the gym. The thing is, I actually loved gong to the gym. it was my time to reflect on everything, to relax and to just empty my mind and take all my anger out on the rowing machine. I never done weights or any crazy things like that. I done the treadmill, rowing machine and the bikes. instead of loosing crazy amounts of weight I'd just like to be a little fitter.

My number one problem is my confidence, and people think I have loads, most people anyways. I'm loud, I'm chatty, I wear funky clothing and dye my hair silly colours. I'm still all of that, I'm that
because I love that style and I love the colours. with all the glitter and sequins is a blanket which I wrap myself in. People look at my skirt and see mermaid patterns, people look at my jacket and see vintage. They don't see belly rolls, back fat and my bumpy bum. (just a fact for you guys/gals, just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'll have a perfectly perk bum).

I see picture of me at prom poping up and all I see is a girl who lost so much weight she was skipping meals at school, going to the gym too much and working her body until breaking point; all for one day. I see a little girl who looks beautiful but she still feels the same about herself now. If I could have my prom now I would, I'd do it at this size, in a different dress, with a different hair colour. Being a size 12 didn't make me feel any more confident, in fact it made me paranoid that I wasn't skinny enough, and them thoughts are really dangerous.

One day I'll be happy with who I am, fat or skinny, or maybe somewhere between.


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